WHAT is it about the Fife coast, I wonder, as I drive through the autumn drizzle with a cold, grey sea in sight, that draws Hollywood's biggest stars here at this time of year? The answer, of course, is that global obsession, golf: this week the Alfred Dunhill Links Championship is in full swing, if you'll pardon the pun.
Michael Douglas, Bill Murray and even our own Hugh Grant will be gracing the East Neuk, getting to play in the famous pro-celebrity tournament against the world's finest golfers. Yes, real golfers are there too - Colin Montgomerie (last year's champi
on of an event played over three courses - St Andrews, Carnoustie and Kingsbarns), Thomas Bjorn and Paul Casey, you may have heard of them - but who needs competent sportsmen when you've got Hollywood's alpha males risking public humiliation?
So, what I'm really after is gossip: Catherine Zeta-Jones landing a hole in one; husband Michael Douglas hurling his club in frustration at being upstaged. Dennis Hopper accidentally whacking a ball into Hugh Grant's face - that's what we'd like. I've also heard that supermodel/action girl Jodie Kidd (already a whiz at polo and rally driving) is coming, and I'm keen to see her thrashing the boys. But first, I have to find them.
Calls to the stars' agents prove fruitless: no-one will confirm or deny any movements. So with no leads at all, I arrive in St Andrews on Wednesday. Word on the street is that Zeta-Jones is not here, and her other half is having a rest day. Marvellous.
But then a friendly photographer informs me that Hugh Grant has signed up for a practice at Kingsbarns - a course around 20 minutes' drive away. Praying I'm not the victim of a wind-up, I hit the road and arrive at the course to find not one but two grade-A celebrities right in front of me - result! There they are, Hugh Grant and Kyle MacLachlan, out on the driving range prior to their round. Grant, casual in white polo shirt and khakis, seems relaxed but focused as he tries out his swing. In person he's every bit the rather bumbling Englishman we've come to love on screen, if a little older-looking than I imagined.
On his way into the clubhouse he tells me why he keeps returning to St Andrews for this event. "Obviously there is the history and tradition, but there's something weirder than that, something very magnetic that keeps drawing me back: it's my absolute golfing mecca, even among all the Scottish courses."
Asked if he's nervous about the tournament, he says, yes, very, but is then surprisingly frank about his strategy for coping: "Drugs."
By contrast, actor Kyle MacLachlan - erstwhile star of Twin Peaks and Sex and the City - is ridiculously calm, given his impending match with golf superstar Paul McGinley. Making his way to the first tee, he utters in his seductively soft tones: "It's just such a special opportunity, as an amateur, to come here and watch and be around guys who really know how to play. It's just amazing.
"Of course, being in St Andrews is also great. I can't put my finger on what makes the place special; but it's where I feel most connected to the game. To come here once a year is a real thrill."
Grant and MacLachlan head off together to play their practice round. MacLachlan gets off to an awful start - his shot off the first tee does find a fairway, but unfortunately it's the 18th's. Still, he handles it graciously and even pauses to gaze out at the waves crashing on to the shore of the links. Grant, meanwhile, is not too happy with his swing, even though he's playing a decent game - and evidently he doesn't handle frustration well. He became so infuriated he left the course after only five holes, I later heard.
As fun as it is to follow this pair I've yet to spot Douglas or Kidd, so it's back to the Old Course at St Andrews to sniff around. I arrive just in time to see Douglas's long-time tournament partner, Montgomerie, joking with a TV crew that Douglas's golf isn't as good as his acting. He hastily adds: "Still, his golf is far better than my acting." Then the Scottish champ is whisked off to the Duke's Course for a charity match being held in aid of the Darren Clark Foundation, which raises money for breast cancer. Despite my hope that Douglas might be here to spectate, the course is filled by the crème de la crème of golf, and not one big-name celebrity. No sign of Kidd, or indeed any woman under the age of 50. No use to me, then.
By Thursday morning it's crunch time: Kidd is simply not here, and, by hook or by crook, I've got to find Douglas. In the end no such accoutrements are required. There he is - hurrah! - on the practice range of Kingsbarns, ahead of his morning tee-off time.
Wearing black cords and a grey sweater, he blends into the crowd and is recognisable only by that distinctive Douglas dimple, visible only when the peak of his cap lifts up to follow a shot. A clutch of excited fans has already gathered behind him - no doubt adding to his nerves - but there is no sign whatsoever that he resents this intrusion. Walking up to the clubhouse he signs every autograph requested and stops to compliment the Scottish welcome.
"I've been coming here for ten years now and I just enjoy the Scottish people so much - they have such a wonderful attitude," he tells me. With a healthy tan and his hair tinged by California sun (or expensive highlights), the man looks every bit the urbane older gent.
"This tournament is also a chance to rekindle friendships. There's a great international mix here and the Scots seem to be great at welcoming people from other places." But even for a Hollywood A-lister like Douglas - he's played with Bill Clinton and Jack Nicholson, to name but two - the game is a great leveller. "I always feel like a kid sneaking out of school when I play. And for all the frustrations and disappointments when you hit a bad shot, it's just a wonderful experience to play at St Andrews. I never cease to be amazed when I start out on the first tee here." With a flash of that Hollywood smile, Douglas disappears into the clubhouse, leaving the fans (and me) warmed by his enthusiasm. His kindness towards them is rewarded once he begins the match, as a long snake of loyal followers is visible for his entire tour of the course.
Partnering Monty, Douglas gets off to an impressive start, keeping up with the pros and seeming perfectly comfortable with the competition. Together the pair joke and laugh their way up the first hole and, if it weren't for the photographers, it would seem like any other Sunday round. Monty looks more contented and cheerful than he has in years.
But Douglas's fortune turns and, for a while, he barely makes a decent shot. From one bunker to the next and off into the rough, his form drops so badly he'd be forgiven if he made this tournament his last.
Ever the sophisticate, he maintains his poise and eventually sees the funny side to a shot on the 12th which brings him embarrassingly close to the beach.
Perhaps it's Monty's support that keeps him going. When Douglas apologises for the shocker with a humble "Sorry, partner", Monty cheerily replies: "Don't worry about it," before tactfully offering some timely advice on technique. The pair seem to get on well. Tee discussions cover everything from the relative merits of different Scottish courses (Monty loves North Berwick) to preferences in confectionery. Sharing a Kit Kat, they try to decipher whether they're available in the States (they don't think so) and whether the chunky version is better - Monty insists: "It's a meal."
For what it's worth, both Bill Murray and Kyle MacLachlan stumble on the same tee shot that Douglas found hard - must be something in the lie of the land.
But spirits remain high. MacLachlan is so untroubled by his duff tee shot that he simply scoffs "Och, well" before sauntering down the fairway, swinging his arms.
Murray seems just as happy to shrug off any howlers, especially when he drives beautifully on to the green of the 13th with a shot even he describes as "almost gorgeous". He wolf-whistles at Douglas when they meet up at the final tee.
By close of business, fortunes have changed: Douglas regained form to finish five under, but Monty dropped to come in at one over par. Grant proved the rule that a bad dress rehearsal makes for a good performance, finishing two under, and MacLachlan a very competitive four below par.
The mist rolls in off the sea, and it's time for the stars to turn in. For Monty, it may have been (in his own words) a "terrible day", but there are three days left to resume form, and at the very least he showed Douglas a good time. Walking back towards the clubhouse Douglas nevertheless seems satisfied. "Wasn't that just great to watch?"
Yes, Michael, it was.
The full article contains 1576 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
