IT'S Spa Wars! In the white corner, those English chaps from Baden-Baden. In the yellow corner, not running scared, the Bad Kissingen boys of Ecuador. Settle yourself in a German spa town at this World Cup and you're in fine fettle, it seems. Base yourself down a heavily-patrolled side street next to Hamburg train station, like the Americans, and you're heading home early.
But how have the Ecuadorians really been coping since they were paired with Wayne Rooney's Flying Circus? Do they think they can win? Can they win?
It only seemed proper to venture to Bad Kissingen, the Ecuador hotspot, soak up some of that spa a
tmosphere and hook up with former Hibee Ulises de la Cruz who is relishing this opportunity to sink the Premiership's finest. At the train station there's a Greek restaurant. Who are they supporting at this World Cup? Turns out the owner is an Olympiakos fan but he likes Ecuador, too. Naturally.
By the bandstand there are fountains, flowers, and one of those giant chess-boards. Birds twitter. Bad Kissingen is very sedate, very sshhhh ... the average age here is 183. This is where the spaceship really dropped off those people from Cocoon. Steve Guttenberg must have a house here.
De la Cruz, at 32, is an elder statesman of the Ecuador team but he's far too young to be hanging about here. Mind you my Ecuadorian colleague Obelix (who has the girth of Asterix's chum) informs me that the reserve goalkeeper came home drunk one night, not only breaking the curfew but bringing back a local lady.
Other than that it's pretty tranquil. The baker is selling Ecuador cakes (they're football-shaped) and the wine merchant has an adidas Tango in the window. (Note to FIFA: bring back the Tango, no other ball is worth kicking). A man in socks and sandals strolls by wearing a Germany hat. What in heaven's name is he thinking? Support your local team! Vamos Ecuador!
The Terracotta Army are in town. There's a major exhibition on. But they're competing with the Tricolor Army. I reach Ecuador's training ground, beside McDonalds. A leaflet from Ecuadorian tourism promotes the country's turtles, volcanoes, coffee ... and broccoli?
Ecuador's coach Luis Suarez looks more like a Formula One driver, with his canary baseball cap, than a football manager. But he knows his stuff and he's keeping much of it under his hat. The demeanour is serious, but he plays on the press perception of him. "Take a picture now," he instructs the battalion of photographers, holding up his fingers in an exaggerated peace sign, "Quick. I'm smiling. Hurry up."
England are no laughing matter. Suarez, who relaxes by playing tennis and reading poetry (not simultaneously though) is serious about England and wants them to take Ecuador seriously.
"Okay, they are favourites but it is more complicated than that. We are in the second round and we deserve it. England can play but we can play, too."
De la Cruz strikes a similar chord. He's had a fairly rubbish few seasons with Aston Villa but having been at close quarters with all of the English players, save Beckham, he feels no sense of inferiority.
"They have many weapons at free kicks and corners and they are strong physically but we are very calm and prepared for a battle. Without Owen, England is less. Rooney has come back from injury but I am not sure how fit he is. He's probably not 100% so that's something to hold on to."
Certainly Ecuador were far from full strength when they tumbled to Germany in Berlin. Talismanic captain Ivan Hurtado, his country's most-capped player (England will be his 133rd showing in an Ecuador shirt) was rested for a start and his aerial strength will be required in Stuttgart.
The big guns were withdrawn, too. That would be Ecuador's strike partnership of Agustin Delgado, strong target man, and Carlos Tenorio, skilful supporting act. The former had a disastrous spell at Southampton but he's an icon in Ecuador. Both Delgado and Tenorio boast two goals at this World Cup having truly punished Poland and Costa Rica.
Celtic keeper Artur Boruc likened the fraught experience of facing the twosome to being hit on the head with a hammer. They will try to stun Paul Robinson as well. Really the 3-0 defeat to the Germans muddies the waters with Ecuador. Are they no match for the big nations or were they merely unconcerned with securing a positive result, having already qualified?
De la Cruz didn't seem to be taxing himself too hard. If he defends against Joe Cole as he did against the host nation then the Chelsea wide man will crucify De la Cruz. But that insipid Ecuador showing should not be overly analysed, reckons the coach.
"We're not unique in that we're not the only team to have a bad game," says Suarez. "We didn't keep the ball against Germany but we can hold it against England and make it difficult for them. We're not going to roll over. The English will have to work against us."
The old one about Ecuador is that they play better at high altitude back in Quito. Antonio Valencia, who plays in Spain with Huelva, and Edison Mendez, a stand-out in the first two games but a doubt for England, have been known to switch midfield roles to make their opponents even more dizzy. Whether England suffer a vertiginous feeling remains to be seen.
"You would imagine England might beat us," says De la Cruz who naturally has been passing on his Premiership tips to coach Suarez, "but we feel confident. We are in this second round on merit. And it's not always the best or most skilful who triumphs, though we have skill too. You have to know in your mind that you can do this.
"There wasn't much at stake in the Germany game. We made lots of changes and it did not help our cause. This was clear.
"But at the end of it all we are making Ecuadorian football history. We want to keep on writing it and remain in this competition."
De la Cruz, smiling in his grey training vest, has his wife and children with him in Bad Kissingen. The players have been taking advantage of the spa waters. Indeed the Ecuadorian journalists have had regular soaks, too, when they're not making newspaper splashes.
Naturally this football-obsessed South American country is gripped and there are an impressive number of Ecuador fans in Germany.
"We know that we have made them proud," says De la Cruz, "but we want to do even more for them so they can enjoy this World Cup longer still."
It is a geographical quirk that De la Cruz, Hurtado and Delgado, three of Ecuador's most experienced and crucial players, hail from the same impoverished part of the Highlands of Ecuador, the Valle del Chota.
For De La Cruz it is important to give back to the community. His mother appears in an Ecuadorian TV ad announcing that when her Ulises sends back money she lodges it with this bank.
Her son helps fund basic village needs like water treatment and helped build a health centre and a sports hall. Delgado, who says he will retire after this World Cup, started a football school run by his brother. They aim not to be so charitable with the English and De la Cruz insists that Ecuador can win the day.
"We can beat England. I know their players off by heart. Maybe we already have the key to beating them. We're a small country and we are so pleased to be playing a role at this World Cup.
"We give our lives for this and the whole country is getting very excited. England will try to beat us in the air but we will be trying to get the better of them on the ground. That is how football should be played and our football has improved a lot during these past few years."
Ecuador were third to Brazil and Argentina in qualifying. If England had problems with Paraguay they can have trouble with Ecuador. But this is only Ecuador's second World Cup and they know that they have entered the unknown.
The training Ecuador players blast balls into an unguarded net. There's a lot of yelling and mickey-taking. The mood in the camp seems good. But then you'd have to go some to be stressed out in bucolic Bad Kissingen, even when you're facing England in the World Cup knockout stages.
A gang of broad-shouldered English fans walk through town. It is an incongruous sight. They must be here on a day trip. Either that or Sven sent them.
With the sports ground heavily guarded they will see a lot more of Ecuador today. And Ecuador wants to show the world what it can do.
