OUR correspondent ponders some amusing, if sadly unlikely, possibilities for the golf world in 2009
JANUARYNick Faldo is re-appointed European Ryder Cup captain… with a few conditions attached. Come Celtic Manor in October 2009 there will be no speeches at either the opening or closing ceremonies; DJ Spooney will be banned fro
m crossing the England/Wales border; vice-captains Melanie Faldo, Gill Faldo and Valerie Faldo will take charge of all off-course arrangements; and, lastly, Faldo himself will speak at press conferences only after promising to give honest answers to awkward questions. Oh yes, he must also speak in complete sentences at all times.
Sergio Garcia and Padraig Harrington announce that they will be attending counselling sessions aimed at repairing their deteriorating relationship.
FEBRUARYPGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem convenes a special meeting of his closest advisers when, after the completion of three brilliantly exciting and diverse European Tour events in the Middle East, it becomes blindingly obvious that the US circuit is so much less interesting than its globe-trotting counterpart.
Tiger Woods announces that what attracted him to his new caddie, Billy Foster, was the complete contrast between the Yorkshireman and his predecessor, the despicable Steve Williams.
"Billy is a nice lad who can be relied upon to treat both spectators and my fellow competitors with the respect they deserve," says Woods. "And there is no danger of his ego getting in the way of what we are trying to achieve; Billy knows that – on the course – the players are way more important than he is."
Sergio and Padraig take the month off to vacation together in the Caribbean.
MARCHWoods returns to serious competition at the CA World Golf Championship. Obviously rusty after nine months away from tournament golf, the World No.1 struggles with all aspects of his game and can only manage a 10-shot victory.
Speaking afterwards on Sky television, Woods' former coach, Butch Harmon, claims that "Tiger couldn't have done it without my input" and that his current charge, Phil Mickelson, hitting only one fairway en route to a final round of 77 had nothing whatsoever to do with him. To the surprise of no one watching, no member of the Sky commentating team challenges these assertions.
First public comment from new best friends, Sergio and Padraig: "We're going to Disneyland!"
APRILThe world of golf arrives in Georgia for the Masters to find that the Augusta National course has undergone major changes in the last 12 months. Gone is the rough, sorry, 'second cut.' Gone are any and all of the new trees. Gone are the new tees at the first, seventh, 11th, 13th, 15th and 17th holes. After five years of spinning in his grave, Bobby Jones finally returns to immobility.
Woods struggles again, only securing victory by 23 shots from Harrington. Sergio withdraws after 18 holes, something about baby-sitting Padraig's kids.
MAYAfter much consultation with his closest advisors, Finchem announces plans to shorten the PGA Tour.
"In order that we will not be in competition with the NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, NASCAR and any other sporting acronyms I may have overlooked, the PGA Tour will now start and climax in the week before Christmas," he says. "A one-week season is the perfect solution for us."
Colin Montgomerie wins the PGA Championship at Wentworth. It equals the biggest victory of the Scot's career and maintains his position alongside compatriots Andrew Oldcorn and Scott Drummond.
Sergio takes the month off to caddy for Padraig.
JUNEIn an exhibition match played over the Castle course at St Andrews, Sergio and Padraig each shoot 89. Both hit every fairway from the tee and both hit every green in regulation. Both take 53 putts, three-putting every green apart from the last, where each man conceded the other's 15-foot putt for par.
Citing the global credit-crunch, Donald Trump announces that his proposed new golf course north of Aberdeen will not now go ahead. No need. The just-completed housing development surrounding the absent links has produced quite enough profit…
Putting poorly and driving even worse than that, Tiger takes the US Open title by 47 shots from runner-up, Mickelson. "You played great Phil," says Harmon.
JULYCiting boredom, Annika Sorenstam returns to the LPGA Tour after 'retirement'. Citing boredom, the Tour immediately returns the ever-stoic Swede to retirement.
Despite carrying an injury that forces him to play both left-handed and on one leg, Tiger wins the Open Championship at Turnberry by 62 shots from compatriot Anthony Kim.
In a post-Championship press conference, R&A chief executive Peter Dawson announces important changes to a couple of rules surrounding equipment.
"In order to preserve the integrity of the game we intend to modify the ball so that 50 yards will be subtracted from drives. We will also make hickory shafts compulsory. Of course, both changes will apply only to Tiger. The other guys need a break."
Speaking of breaks, Sergio and Padraig spend Open week riding donkeys on the beach at Girvan. Their little holiday becomes known as 'The Mule and the Fun."
AUGUSTStriking a glorious mashie-niblick shot to the 18th green, Woods completes the Grand Slam with a one-shot victory at the USPGA Championship. Former Edinburgh nightclub bouncer Vijay Singh is second after incurring a two-shot penalty on the penultimate hole. Something about new caddie, Steve Williams, and 15 clubs in the bag.
Paired together in all four rounds, Sergio and Padraig tie for tenth and immediately announce plans to take the next 12 months off. Something about building a home together.
SEPTEMBERThe opening round in the new series of Strictly Come Dancing is briefly reduced to chaos when one of the celebrities stops abruptly in mid-Salsa and berates a member of the audience for coughing at just the wrong moment.
"Just remember that you are only here because of me," snarls Colin Montgomerie, after throwing a sequin at the offender. "How can I be expected to focus on my twists and twirls with you making so much noise?"
Suitably chastened, Gaynor promises to keep quiet from now on.
OCTOBERMontgomerie is sensationally disqualified from the third round of SCD when, after an electrical fault in the studio causes dancing to be suspended, he tries to sneak an illegal dip past the judges. Despite the Scot a) pleading ignorance of the rule, then b) offering to return his prize money, he is immediately ostracised by his fellow competitors. "He's nothing but a big cha-cha-chancer," says Dale Winton.
NOVEMBERThe European Tour's 'Race to Dubai' comes to a thrilling climax when former Open champion Paul Lawrie makes off with the $10m first prize and, in the process, becomes the only Scot ranked in the world's top-100 players.
Feeling more than a little miffed at the lack of attention generated by his ailing tour, Finchem announces major changes to next year's circuit. One tournament is apparently going to be played on a course that does not have a fountain in the lake fronting the 18th green.
DECEMBERSuddenly inspired, the PGA Tour hosts a tournament where every competitor uses out-of-date equipment and balls. Lee Trevino wins without hitting even one shot either high or straight. No one under the age of 40 makes the cut. Not even close.
The full article contains 1244 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.
